Since I started producing this blog, I have accumulated a lot of information and trivia. Today, I am combining some of that intelligence and knowledge into a post that I hope you will find interesting, if not enlightening.

I will begin with something Mark Twain once said: “Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.” 

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own.  I know that now.

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That’s seven years in a row now.

My grandkids say they want a cat for next Christmas.  Normally, I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

“I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.  So tonight, after dinner, I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.” (Henny Youngman)

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day.  He is from India, and he is very concerned about my car’s warranty.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken, and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver:  “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”  Officer, “Keep it.  When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

“I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.  He told me to stop going to those places.” (Henny Youngman)

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

“Last night, at 3 a.m., my neighbor came over and began pounding on my front door. Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.” (Henny Youngman)

Apparently, RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, “That can’t be accurate!”

I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures.  It’s my face.

I just burned 1,200 calories.   I forgot the pizza in the oven

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows!

I will end with this bang-on story:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “how did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a politician.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.

–30–

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