I used to think I was just a regular guy, going about my life, as President Lincoln once said: “with malice toward none and charity for all.”

Boy, was I wrong. Just take a look:

• I was born a white male, which means, whether I like it or not, I am guilty of being a racist and sexist afflicted with toxic masculinity.
• I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which, by today’s socialist standards, makes me a fascist.
• I am heterosexual, which, according to some people, makes me a homophobe.
• I believe in established and authoritative biology, which says there are only two biological genders: male and female, which makes me an unapologetic transphobe.

• I am a Christian, which in today’s America makes me an impenitent and prejudiced infidel.
• I support the 1^st and 2^nd Amendments, which makes me an unstable hater and a member of the vast right-wing gun lobby.
• I no longer trust the biased and deceitful reporting of our dishonest mainstream media, which makes me a backward-looking intransigent.
• I am proud of my heritage, love my country, honor its flag, and wholly support legal immigration, which makes me a jingoistic xenophobe.
• I value my safety and that of my family, and I respect our nation’s local and federal law enforcement agencies and legal systems, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
• I believe in rewarding hard work with compensation based on merit as well as an individual’s valuable contributions, which makes me an evil and greedy capitalist.
• I served proudly in the U. S. Military, and I believe fervently in the defense and protection of our homeland and its legal citizens, which makes me a belligerent nationalist.

Because of those convictions and values, I, and other like-minded Americans, are what a dishonest, twisted, and ruthlessly ambitious woman once called a basket of deplorables.

Today, however, I guess I am even worse than a deplorable.

According to the socialists and communists who have seized control of my parents’ once moderate and sensible Democratic Party, I am a threat to democracy and an enemy of the American way of life.

 

And here I thought that during the four years I spent in the U.S. Army, communism was our primary enemy and the prevalent threat to our democracy, not me.

How foolish of me.

Please help me come to terms with the new me, because I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

It’s hard to understand what’s happened to me—and so quickly! It is, in fact, strange that all of these momentous changes have occurred during the past four years. I wonder why? What could have driven those changes? Hmm. I wonder…

And now, as if all these aberrations weren’t enough to deal with, Americans of both genders must be apprehensive about using public bathrooms and locker rooms because of who or what they might encounter when they are in there.

I want to thank my family and friends for their patience and understanding as I underwent these astonishing changes in my attitudes and principles. After all, I must be totally unrecognizable to all of them.

Who knows? Perhaps had I draped strings of garlic around my neck or avoided wolfbane during full moons, this deplorable metamorphosis could have been circumvented.

But that’s okay. Because, for now, I am relatively comfortable cohabiting in that basket along with 80 million fellow American deplorables.

God bless and protect America, our troops, and our president.

Whoops. I guess I shouldn’t have said that.

Sorry.

–30–

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