Laughter is the shortest distance between two people

Robert Frost once said, “If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”

He was right. All of us need a little humor now and then in a world where levity often seems in short supply. The other day, I received an email that contained the following “Signs of the Times.”

Read ‘em and enjoy! And as a bonus, check out the Henny Youngman one-liners and a couple of quips from two other folks at the tail end of this post.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.


Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Williams, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

Sign in the Army Recruiting Office: Marry a veteran, girls. He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders.

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

 And the best one for last.

Sign on t back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political promises.”

Henny Youngman

How many of you remember Henny Youngman? He was known as the king of one-liners that often were punctuated by the sound of the lone drum.

Here are several of his best:

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that….. 2:30 am?!  Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away.” The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told you to?” “Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” The doctor says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

I was so ugly when I was born; the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my rear! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, ‘Guess.’

I said, “I don’t know……..maybe 350 pounds.”

And finally here are a couple of extras:


“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know

I’m not dumb…and I also know I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton


“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was just sick.”

-George Burns


I will close with a bit of Chinese wisdom:

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. – Chinese Proverb.

About Ronald E. Yates

Ronald E. Yates is an award-winning author of historical fiction and action/adventure novels, including the popular and highly-acclaimed Finding Billy Battles trilogy. Read More About Ron Here

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