From the Babylon Bee, I am reposting the following advice for gaining access to the college of your choice—or if not you, then for your kids or grandkids. As a professor and dean emeritus of the University of Illinois who scrutinized hundreds of college applicants, I can vouch for these tips—especially the very last one!
College is an essential part of your education if you ever want to achieve your dream of being an evil criminal mastermind, a corrupt political mastermind, or performing heart transplants on monkeys. But getting into the right college can be tough!
Here are some foolproof tips:
1) Be less white: Maybe try getting a really deep tan to fake it.
2) Be Black or, to a lesser extent, Hispanic: Just don’t be Asian!
3) Be “fewer white:” We really can’t stress this enough.
4) Make sure you’re taking your daily dose of Soma: Orgy-porgy, Ford, and fun—all the future politicians are doing it.
5) Chop your legs off for disability points: All Ivy League schools grade on a disability curve. Wealth also counts as a disability because, like with autism, you can’t connect with people.
6) Put made-up, unpronounceable pronouns after your name: They’d have to be a bigot to not admit a thxy/thyym!
7) Go on a spiritual journey to discover your indigenous heritage: Just like Elizabeth Warren.
8) Have your parents bribe admissions $50,000 to pretend you’re a rower: Surprisingly effective!
9) Ace your SAT, secure 3 letters of recommendation, craft a masterpiece Statement Of Intent, write a compelling personal statement, demonstrate a track record of leadership in your community, show a history of serving others, and discuss your passion for knowledge and what you will do with your education, and then be a minority so your application gets read!: Trust us, it works!