Today, I am sharing my blog with Erin Geary, a fellow Substack columnist, who has penned a delightful tongue-in-cheek look at potential 2024 presidential candidate Ron DeSantis. Enjoy!
This Is Worse Than Watergate: Can DeSantis recover?
By Erin Geary
BREAKING NEWS: Governor Ron DeSantis is embroiled in a huge scandal. One so disgusting it may cost him the GOP nomination for President of the United States. Every time I see him, it makes me physically ill and makes me wonder how his wife, Casey, has stood by his side.
Then again, isn’t that what most political wives do? Look at Jill Biden, Bill Clinton, and Gisele Fetterman. They, too, have sat on the sidelines with pasted smiles and empty eyes as they fake their love and devotion to their office-seeking spouses. But secretly, we know they must have some sort of “arrangement.”
Casey DeSantis put up with Ron’s behavior, and, in turn, he devoted his time to caring for her and their kids during her cancer treatments. Small price to pay for his lust. Never mind that Ron is extremely well-educated. Never mind that he served in the military. Never mind that he has been the greatest governor that Florida has ever had. No, all that pales in comparison to his terrible deed.
What he’s done is worse than Watergate. It’s worse than having sex with his dead brother’s wife. It’s worse than selling secrets to China or Russia. And because of that, Ron needs to just give up and be exiled to the home of the alligators with his head lowered in shame.
What has Ron done that is so terrible?
You need to sit down for this, readers because it’s bad. Really bad.
Ron DeSantis, Governor of Florida and possible contender for President has ALLEGEDLY eaten pudding using his fingers.
I know you are as shocked and demoralized as I am to hear this news. My God, aren’t there any statesmen left in our country?
How do we know that this even happened, you wonder. There is no video footage of this act of debauchery, no pictures. But the Daily Beast described Ron’s despicable actions and Vanity Fair ran with it:
“The chatter over DeSantis’s public engagement has also surfaced past unflattering stories about his social skills—particularly, his propensity to devour food during meetings. “He would sit in meetings and eat in front of people,” a former DeSantis staffer told the Daily Beast, “always like a starving animal who has never eaten before…getting shit everywhere.”
Enshrined in DeSantis lore is an episode from four years ago: During a private plane trip from Tallahassee to Washington, DC, in March of 2019, DeSantis enjoyed a chocolate pudding dessert—by eating it with three of his fingers, according to two sources familiar with the incident.”
Eww. I can’t even imagine how horrible it must be for participants in meetings who have had to watch DeSantis eat. I’ve, personally, never multitasked at lunchtime meetings by actually eating my lunch. No, as a teacher, there was no multitasking. We sacrificed our lunch so no one had to see us eat while paying attention and speaking. I’m sure you have never eaten during meetings, either. It must be a horror show for Ron’s staffers. Mon Dieu! I bet he also eats in his car.
Then to add to this madness, four years ago, he ate chocolate pudding with his fingers. Doesn’t Ron believe in spoons or sporks?
But, really, let’s look at the most upsetting part of this story. This is the part that keeps me up at night and should keep you up at night too. Ron DeSantis is clearly a racist for choosing to eat CHOCOLATE pudding.
Damn you, Ron, for showing a typical white male domination of blacks masked as a dessert choice! The fact that he used his fingers to eat chocolate pudding showed a subconscious Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings component to this story that needs to be investigated. I mean, why chocolate when vanilla would have kept him in his lane? But, then, the media would say Ron is a closeted Nazi. Rice pudding would have been a safer choice. No. That would show an anti-Asian stance or that he has an unhealthy attachment to senior citizens.
Perhaps, Ron should have just gone with something you could actually eat with your fingers and would be less controversial, like pound cake. Wait. That could be offensive to fat weight challenged people. Maybe just angel food cake. Angels aren’t controversial—except to atheists. Ugh! Is there any dessert that is politically correct? Ron just needs to be Gandhi and give up eating altogether.
This, as I call it, Puddin’gate needs to be handled quickly if Ron is to recover from the political damage this story has already caused. I suggest a press conference.
Ron needs to spin this story somehow. The staffer who came forward to say Ron “eats like a starving animal” needs to be discredited because he/she must have some form of an eating disorder. Ron’s multitasking and messiness can easily be explained because, after all, he was in the military. They don’t call it a mess hall for nothing.
But the most egregious of Ron’s sins was that four years ago, he ate pudding with his fingers. This one is tough because there were TWO “unnamed sources familiar with the incident.” Being the spin master I am, this could also be easily explained. Choose the explanation you like best:
- Ron was saving the job of the misfit who forgot the spoons.
- Ron refused to use a spoon because it would add to the climate crisis.
- Ron has sensory issues and doesn’t like the feeling of spoons on his tongue.
- There were purposely no spoons because Ron has a former addict on staff and didn’t want to trigger him/her.
Now, let’s get to the seriousness of this insipid story. We have no real journalists anymore. Instead, we have tabloid writers who use clickbait for likes. This story should never have been printed, and we need to tar and feather the editors who allow stories like this to appear under their mastheads.
Our country deserves journalists covering these stories: the Biden family corruption, the U.S. economy free failing, our open borders, Fentanyl overdoses, high crime rates, an out-of-control DOJ and FBI, the abuse of power against a former president, the indoctrination of our kids from kindergarten through college, our military being more worried about climate change and DEI than killing enemies, and a world war on the horizon.
While we play around with stories like Ron DeSantis’s eating habits, there are actual things to be concerned about.
Will we demand more from our news media, or just keep getting off on non-substantive rubbish?
[I, Erin Geary, am a Renaissance woman regarding the career paths I have taken—from flight attendant to English teacher and things in between. I am a writer and consultant who has been dismissed from editorial pages of traditional journalism for my Superman beliefs in truth, justice, and the American way. Join me at Common Folk 365 to read twice-weekly content that is decidedly pro-American, value-driven, and logical.]
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